Remember the Drama Queen-ing post? Guess who’s back. If you aren’t willing to read stuff about feelings, scroll down.

Until now,  I wanted to believe that at some point in this life I’ll stop worrying about being happy and just live it. Of course, I have to pay my happiness this time as well. Unfortunately, I’m not the only one paying the price. Knowing the person you love the most is hurt, as in emotionally hurt and you’re to blame it’s depressing. The worst part is that I didn’t want to hurt or raise questions, I was just plain happy. The happiest. I didn’t experience something like this, ever… and I was so grateful for it. Sadly, I thought I shouldn’t worry about that „something bad” because I finally found the one who gets me, the one who loves me, whom I love, whom  I wanna spend my life with.

It’s not a post about break-ups, because it’s not the case (or so I hope). More or less, it’s about me feeling useless again, since he won’t quite believe what I told him. I wish I could turn back the time and do it his way, just to know he’s smiling in the morning.  I would rather take some physical pain than this, and I mean it.  The state of guilt, shame, agony, depression even isn’t for me. I find myself so tired everyday, so sad and pathetic, and I have to write in order to stop crying. I know, pathetic.

For me, it wasn’t about five minutes. I enjoyed every smile, every hug, every kiss, every joke, everything. I’m sorry I’m a dissappointment, but that’s who I am: hurt, scarred and all that’s wrong in the world.

At this point I feel awful. It doesn’t change anything, but I’m sorry. All I want is to make and keep him happy and I’m an epic fail.