What do you get when you’re honest? Usually suffering. What do you do when you just feel like it’s the right thing to say, express the truth like it is? How do you react when you start to feel like telling the truth isn’t the right thing to do?
Let’s talk about lies; they spare you from a lot of suffering, a lot of misery and a lot of pain. You no longer have to cry over how people understand things, because telling pretty lies isn’t hard. It’s a lot harder to tell the truth and try to please everyone at the same time, because usually truth hurts people; even if you try to explain, you’ll just get “I don’t care” all over the place, because no one tries to understand what you are actually saying.
The only thing about me and lies is that I can’t hold them up for long and they hurt me on the inside. When I think about it now, right after telling a truth that started a fight and probably will cost me enough to damage the tiny bit of sanity I still have, I tell to myself that lying is better. Lying, hiding the truth, leaving things unspoken, all these, the same thing. I’m thinking that a discovered lie would hurt less or something; then I remember why I chose the truth in the first place : to earn trust. Yet, what do you do when the things you have to say will come back to hurt you? Easy, tell them anyway, because you’d be able to sell your soul or kill yourself if it goes there, no matter what.
How about trust? Isn’t that when you believe or try to believe others? Isn’t it when you listen and try to understand and talk about whatever the reason would be ?
So far, people trust me, I can tell. The frustrating fact is that I only need one person’s trust and it’s going to take me a life to earn it; not because I’m doing the wrong stuff, but because I tell exactly how I feel; In my opinion, a person should be heard instead of judged and you should know the facts like they were before saying hurtful stuff to the person in cause. Maybe you understood something wrong or you’re blinded by hatred or some stuff were just expressed wrong.
The other side of the coin would be the forces playing the game of trust. My point is I always try to understand before get mad or pissed and that saves me a lot of fighting time. I’m not used to get mad anymore with people, even if they did something wrong, or said something that hurt me, especially when I care about them. I prefer peace over all the fight over who’s right or wrong; at this point I gave up on a lot of stuff just to keep the peace in the “kingdom” ; vanity, ego, the thought that I’m better or my hurt feelings. Whenever something like this happens, I always end it with “it’s ok” just to conceal the fact that I actually care about the other person, no matter how much they hurt me.
I tried to keep this up as long as I could but sometimes I feel like all this calm and quiet tears pieces of me, mostly because I rarely encountered any of that back in the first place. Trying to listen to understand, and not listen to give a smart comeback is the key, too bad sometimes people forget this; the earth would be a lot better place if we’d all do this. We crack and yell and shout from time to time, when everything seems futile but this thought wouldn’t leave us alone “try to understand first”.
All my life was pretty much like this, even with my parents. I tried to understand and that drove me crazy so many times I can’t count. I disagreed on so many levels with people I was fighting with I’m unable to remember when it started.
There are some points where I felt really understood and comfortable and that’s when I decided to let myself aside, to be what people needed. I don’t think that was too much of a mistake, besides the fact that it made me fragile and easy to break, especially when the hits came from my safe spots, the people I expected to try to understand me over their own ego.
In some cases, I was surprised; I felt really great with those people, absolutely fantastic. I felt like I finally found my soul’s home. I felt protected. Actually, not in some cases. Just in one. Then, I fucked up, like I always do. I wanted to scream and in some cases I did, but nobody heard me. No one asked if I was ok or why I was this fucked up, not even my safe spot. Because I was, and I’m still giving my soul to remain, his safe spot. I just feel like I need to talk to someone and there’s no one around to hear me out.
Actually, I want one soul on this planet only to understand me. I want this soul to be mine is a way so selfish I sometimes scare myself. The thought of losing it it’s unbearable. I wish I could undo so many things I’d probably erase half my life, yet that’s impossible; therefore, I’m trying to change who I am at this point just to keep this soul next to me and sometimes I feel like it doesn’t even care.
Sometimes, I hope it’s not true and it’s seeing all I’m going through, I’m waiting that question that would let me reveal everything that’s wrong with me, as well as everything that’s good. I’ve never tried to hard to please a soul, never before; I know it’s unfair, but it’s the truth. I didn’t let any person tell me what to feel how to feel or what to do, just because I cared about my freedom too much. After I met this soul, I found out my freedom in him.
The fact is that at this point in my life I was broken enough for him to cut into the broken pieces. I saw that he needed help and peace and love as well, I cut myself but I didn’t let go, no matter how bad the pain was.
I guess I could’ve said all this instead of writing, but at this point I’m barely able to breathe.
All I hope now is that he can hold on as well, because there’s this kind of love I have never felt before that’s consuming me from the inside, trying to express itself yet failing miserably. I hope my love isn’t to broken to heal another soul.
The soul I’d give my life for.