Heartache.


Have you ever been sad for days? Not depressed, sad. Depression is a big word for how small I feel. Sometimes, the start is great and you gain confidence, smile, laugh, allow yourself to have a good time. Then, your demons come for you and you do some things that destroy what you’ve built : love, confidence, everything. And now it’s time to pay for how stupid you are; pay every second of happiness you lived at that time.

Sometimes it’s a freaking nightmare, how everything seems to go down and you’re losing what you loved the most and it’s awful; but sometimes, you find a glimpse of happiness and choose to remember only that and seek further and further for another one, hoping you’ll find more than a second of laughter, or smile, and i’m not talking about the fake ones you have to offer all around so no one would notice you’re an empty shell.

There comes the time where you’ve waited a bit too long for you happy glimpse and you just want to rage quit yet you can’t, because your heart isn’t yours anymore. Because your heart won’t listen to you and your brain isn’t helping too much with the scenarios and the fear and the saddness.Because you’re in love.

They say love is all about chemistry ,you get addicted to Oxytocin and it fucks you up when you stop producing it or you produce less. Haha, fuck you life. I hate this. Reducing all that pain, all those things dying inside you to chemistry seems awful, it is awful. Raise my Oxytocin levels again you dumb brain. Or better, raise his.

The best thing in being sad all the time is that nothing else really gets you. Yes, your hair falls and your skin looks like you’re turning into a snake, but you’re ok with it since you stop caring about anything else.  School? I’ll be fine, I’m not that stupid. Friends? Well, listening to them gets somehow harder, but you still care, just a bit less. Family? One or two phonecalls a day should be enough: “Hey, how are you, me too, im fine, just tired, bye” . What really gets you at this point are the little things; that park you walk past everyday? you kissed there; the bed you sleep in? You slept there; your reflection?Right, he used to like that. And it kills you, because you’re working your ass to make everything better and hope for the best.

Crying yourself to sleep when you have roommates isn’t an easy task. You feel your eyes watery and you wanna sob your lungs out but you can’t. Therefore you just close your eyes and feel the tears flow and flow and you can’t change your position since your pillow is wet and turning it around wouldn’t be a good idea. In the end, you fall asleep and your night passes, the morning comes and you wake up with eyes as big as onions and a dryed-out heart.

In the end, why are you doing this? Because there is still love and you know it. Not perfect anymore, not fully functional, but there. And you’re fighting for it.

What the fuck did you do to me that I’ve fallen so hard for you?

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The amber light


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Have you ever woken up and saw some sort of yellow-ish light outside, even if it was cloudy? Not the sun-happy-bright yellow, but more like a yellow marker that touched the black one. Dirty and still. Like dirty amber, or honey.

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Raining.


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Morning dream (reference used)


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Sharing kindness.


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I’m fine.


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Remember the Drama Queen-ing post? Guess who’s back. If you aren’t willing to read stuff about feelings, scroll down. Continue reading

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